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Animal Jokes   -  collection from circulating emails

Finding Nemo

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Deer Crossing

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
...from Kingman, KS

The Old Man and The Frog

An old man loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

 He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Questions

  1. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?    Because They Have Big Fingers.
  2. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
  3. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?  Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
  4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?  Dam!
  5. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?  Spoiled Milk.

"Lessons from Animals", by a K. Stront.

If you put a buzzard in a pen six or eight feet square and entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of his ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of ten or twelve feet. Without space to run, as is his habit, he will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A Bumblebee if dropped into an open tumbler will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat and the bee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not realizing that the answer is right there above them.

From Rex Barker HumorNetwork.com

 "Blessings from A Whale", sent in by Donald and Samantha from the Bay Area.

In the San Francisco Chronicle, December 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a web of crab traps and lines. The fifty-foot whale was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her tail, her torso and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of a local island chain and called an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her - a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around - she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate this year-to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you..

From Rex Barker HumorNetwork.com

 "a heart warming story from the days of the Tsunami", sent to us by Ochara W.

A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa , officials said.

The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.

"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added.

"The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender! age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.

From Rex Barker HumorNetwork.com

"The Thread in Our Lives"

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see  the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -  he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.   "There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,  I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.  I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the  house!  There is a mousetrap in  the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,  Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.  Be assured, you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house  -- like the sound of mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her  to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.  Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken  soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for  the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with the farmer around the clock.  To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem  and think it doesn't  concern you, remember -- when one  of us is threatened, we are all at  risk.

 

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